I learn a lot from my clients. While listening to their concerns, I also learn about them — and sometimes about myself.

A few weeks back, while interviewing a young man, the question of racism came up. The man described how he had been subjected to racism at work when a colleague had referred to him as a "big black man." I waited for the rest of the story, but that was it. That was his story.

Twice before I had heard that exact same expression, a "big black man." Once, as said by a relative; the other time by a different client who was relating an issue of conflict in her workplace. In all three circumstances, it was an older white woman who gave the depiction.

This had me thinking. I felt this statement was descriptive, yet innocuous. But was it?

I asked the young (black) man further about the situation and shared with him my confusion. I suggested to him that this expression was intended to be descriptive, not judgmental or racist. He shared how it felt unfair and biased.

Together, we agreed the expression was used to describe a feeling of being fearful or intimidated. We continued talking.

It turns out that beyond the words, the context of the message had been missing. The colleague who had casually made this reference, had not explained that she was relaying the fears of another person (an elderly white woman). Nor had she intervened in her conversation with the elderly woman to defend the character of her black colleague.

Instead, she merely informed him of the comment — matter-of-factly, as if the fear the old woman expressed was reasonable or even justified. This young man was subject to prejudice at work, as his colleague stood idly by.

There are several learning points here.

1. Context. It's the "why" of what we're saying. Why the elderly woman said that. Why the colleague wanted her co-worker to know. This essential part of our communication is lost more and more in part because we rely on a tweet, text or a quick email to share information. We need to work a lot harder to relay all the information at hand — including the why.

2. Teamwork. This colleague did not demonstrate that she had her co-worker's back. She did not speak to his good character or gentle spirit, but instead let the prejudicial opinion sit unquestioned. If she felt compelled to remain quiet, she could at least share that with her co-worker (and offer context).

3. Trust. This young man did not trust in the good intentions of his colleague. He didn't question why she would so openly share the information she did. Instead, he jumped to the conclusion that she was racist and was lumping him into some stereotypical pile — ironically, doing the same thing to her that he thought she had done to him.

4. Responsibility. The young man did not share his frustration or anger with his colleague. Instead, he stewed about it. But without knowing how her comment came across, how could his female colleague learn what to change?

This is our biggest lesson. We are all responsible. For understanding the why. For sharing what upsets and hurts us. For learning what we've done wrong and what to change. For making the changes that matter.

Without this, we are likely to remain stuck. Stuck in our own sheltered, often misinformed opinions of each other. Stuck following rules (like political correctness) that don't necessarily help, but separate us more.

Let's be better. Let's make new rules.